quornflour’s Neighborhood

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You can clearly see the Blueberry Iron Curtain surrounding both East Tart, West Tart and the Strawberry-Kiwi ghetto. To the west, the Mandarin of Good Hope and the Fjords of Raspberry.

I love this show, and even more so now because of this advert.

Took a bite of pretzel.. yogurt covered pretzels..

tasted like pepper.

So I go to a therapist tomorrow.

It's usually hard to talk to someone but I've got a plan.
I'm going to pretend who I'm talking to is Erik.
A friend of mine whome I've told pretty much everything too.
Even down to one of my most embarassing secrets.

Which I guess isn't as bad as I just made it sound.. but at the time it was something I've never told anyone.
I got really drunk. Everyone turned out the lights and went to bed..
I couldn't find the bathroom for the life of me.. and I didn't want to pee my pants.  So I found an empty corner..
and you could figure out the rest.

I felt bad.
But peeing my pants is worse than someone having to shampoo a carpet.

ANYWAY.

I figured Erik would be the best person to pretend I'm talking to.
I can talk to him about crap any normal person wouldn't want to hear in the most casual way.
I've told him about the times I've wanted to kill myself, threatened to do it, and junk like that.. in the most calm conversation.
He's an easy guy to talk to.

Yes, there was times where I've wanted to do it. I didn't like that I was trapped with a certain man.
One night I literally was. He wouldn't let me leave his house. Kept throwing me on the bed and telling me that I'm just being crazy and I need some sleep.
That night made me think a lot. And I came to the conclusion that if I were to kill myself.. it would be in such a way that it would ruin this guys life.

Well I never did it, nor did I try.
Because I'm not stupid enough to kill myself to try and get back at someone.
But knowing this man, I know that doing what I thought of doing would be the only way to knock some sense into his worthless little mind.
Someone is going to do it, I know that for a fact.
He's going to grow older wishing that he hadn't fucked his life over by having 3 girlfriends at a time..all the time.

I've talked to him recently.
He asked how things were going with Josh. I said they were amazing and basically anything I would say to anyone who asked that question. I wasn't just trying to shove the fact that I was happy in his face.
So then I asked, "What about you? Any girlfriends? What about that asian girl I see you with a lot?"
Even though it sounds like I was concerned about him being with someone, trust me.. I could care less.

He said, "We were dating for a while, now we're just friends." Dating for a while. I just recently noticed her picture in the "Graduates of 2008" online. Meaning she's either 17 or 18.
He's 32.

That's funny.
He mentions he still has his old car, but I see this other girl driving it around all the time.
And knowing this guy, that means he's with her too.

See what I'm getting at?
One of those 2 are going to find out about the other. And the relationshiT him and I had is going to repeat all over again.. just with another girl playing the roll of me.

I think the hardest part about therapy would be the parts where I'm supposed to explain.
Or having to hear something I dont' want to hear.
What if I talk about Josh and I and the therapist comes to the conclusion, "Maybe this guy isn't the best for you, maybe he's not making your life any better.."
Junk like that.

My family already thinks that.
They think he lives off me because I paid the rent.

It always makes me wonder how things will turn out.
I don't want to date this guy for 5 years and have him get tired of me.
But I don't want to break up with him now to learn later in life that it would've lasted until we died.

Like I said.
It will be figured out someday.
Or something along those lines.
I'll die and then that's when there will be no secrets.
I'll be able to be a spectator on my life and see what could've been.

I'd be able to see what was going on with him and finally think to myself either

"man I'm glad I stayed with him" or "I should've broken up with him when I wrote that post about this moment so many many years ago."

I hope that if I see Josh doing things behind my back... that he feels bad for it.
I hope that if I do see anything like that.. I only see it maybe once or twice in the whole time we 'were' together.

I know he'll see that one night that almost made us break up.
I know that will hurt him. But I'm pretty damn sure that he won't hate me over 1 night (when we first started dating) when we've had this much time of me loving him.
2 weeks after we started seeing each otehr, something happened between my ex and I. Ended in me feeling like dying and him beating the shit out of me for it.
I broke Josh's heart. He didn't trust me for a while.
I told him "I'm not that kind of person, please give me a chance to show you."
And ever since then I've never even THOUGHT of being with another guy.
Yeah, there's those moments people get we're they're like, "Yeah they're cute" and have that split second if-they-were-mine thought.
But that thought always brings me back to the thought of Josh and how I don't think I could find someone who would give me any reason to leave him or fall out of love with him. Y'know?

So I know that after we die, he'll see that night, but he'll want to see the rest of our relationship.. and see that I did keep my word. Once or twice I've flirted with someone. But not once was I serious.
It was just to get a rise out of them.
Ever since I started talking to Ryan Elliot he's always hit on me. I ALWAYS play hard to get. That's how it's been.
So last time I hungout with him it was like that.
I've stopped doing that. I've only done it twice while with Josh. Once at a party I was hanging out with Ryan and he was being all flirty. I was too but I did keep making it clear, "No. I have a boyfriend."
The second time is when I decided to stop.. because he made me feel bad.
A long time ago something happened between us that brought him to asking me out... and I said no. After about a week of haning out and him gaining the hopes that I would say yes.

So the second time.. he was flirting. I said, "I have a boyfriend I love, and you have a girlfried."
He still was flirting.. so I said, "I'm a good girl."
Being the drunk one he shouted "but you were a good girl with me FIRST!"

obviously.. he's still pissed/sad that I wasn't his girlfriend.
This guy is cool. I like him as a friend. And I know that he would be one of those guys that wouldn't care about how much money he spent on his girlfriend.
It makes me feel bad.

That night made me feel horrible.

I forgot where I was going with this.
Oh yeah.
So I know that when Josh dies and gets to see how good I've been to him...
There will only be that one night. Plus 2 times I've flirted.
But I'm proud to say that whenever I did flirt I made sure to state, "No. I have a boyfriend." when Ryan tried to take it too far.

He'll be happy to learn that the thoughts in my head was how much I missed him.
The first time was when he was out of town.. and I did spend my time texting him up until he went to bed.
And I missed him so bad.
The second time, he was at a separate party. I wanted to leave, he didn't.. so I left him there.
Called Ryan and said, "You're having a party right?"
he said yes. So I showed up.. .wishing I had my boy.
It was nice being able to be me though.

I kind of naturally flirt.
In the "you-think-you-have-a-chance-but-you'll-later-learn-you-never-had-one" kind of way.
And I can't do that with Josh around.
It's nice to be "That girl that they can't have that's having fun and being herself" other than "That girl that only tags along with her boyfriend these days and sits by herself and drinks"

I hope when I die I see that he was the best thing that's ever happened to me.
I hope I don't find out he's cheated or thought about his ex more than EVER.
That still haunts me. He said he missed her. He said it was in a friend way. I hope so.
I miss people as friends. It's just hard for me to apply that to him. In my head I see "He misses his ex-girlfriend" I can't see him seeing her as a friend.
Which is weird because that's how I see all my ex's.
If I say I miss them, I DEFINATELY do NOT miss them in that way. NO WAY.
Like Jason. I miss him as a friend. He asked me out again about a month before I dated josh. I didn't even concider it. He was a great guy but I honestly wasn't attracted to him at all and didn't see how I was.
I guess it's just when you break up with someone.. you have reason..and your reason is that you're seeing the flaws in them...
Jason broke up with me though. But hanging out with him..4 years later.. he was still the 14 year old guy I dated in 8th grade. I didn't see an 18 year old Jason. I saw 14 year old Jason who's still in kiddie jails and still thinks stupid things are hot shit.
Nick. He doesn't grow up. I wanted a guy who could be responsible and junk.
He's still a 16 year old who doesn't listen to shit and won't cut his damn hair.
Pat. Looking at him now.. he looks his age. To me he's a 32 year old who uses the fact that he owns two stores to get young girls. What's funny is that he's still gettign them even with the wrinkles under his eyes.
I look at him and I don't see that young 27 year old that I thought was hot and nice.
I see a 32 year old womanizer who gained weight but thinks he's a model.

Those were like.. the main boyfriends. There were 2 I dated but both were really only friends.
We tried to date. Turned out it was awkward.

I don't miss my ex's. I'm not attracted to them.
I'm not sure why I can't apply that to Josh.
When I think of it my mind just starts throwing shit at me like, "he misses her naked!" junk like that.
I wish I could be sure it was in the way I hope... and not in the way I assume.

My side hurts.

This is getting really long and I don't even know how this started.

My yogurt pretzels taste different every time.

I've recently been able to get my hands on a CPK for myself and it arrived at my doorstep (so to speak, since I have a po box...lol) yesterday.  I have to say I was really excited when I opened it up and looked at the little guy!  Very nicely cast... I'll have to post pics of the thing when I get a chance to take some.  The features are really cool, and stand out nicely but yet are subtle enough that if one wants to work from a more clean slate, I would imagine sanding off the features could work to do that. 

More to come!!!

Show us the last thing you bought.

Freckle Blazer

A FABULOUS Bow top/coat from Anthropologie

Hello lovelies!  Sometimes I use Flickr as a blog instead of posting here on my craft blog.  That is because there are more of my crafty friends on Flickr than there are on Vox and they can easily post comments there.  So, before I forget...

Here are some fingerless mitts I've been knitting for my mom.  She says that the hospital, in which she receives her chemotherapy treatments, is as cold as an ice box.  So, I wanted to make her some nice hand warmers out of the lovely cashmere and silk light-fingering-weight yarn that Amy of www.MadelineTosh.com hand-dyed for me.  It has been a lovely experience!  The yarn, plus KnitPicks size 0 circular needles and a sock pattern that I adapted to sprout a nice, graduated thumb gusset has yeilded an exceedingly smooth knitting week.  The sock pattern, "Spring Forward" by Linda Welch, is found here on Knitty.  My Ravelry page has some preliminary notes for this project here.   Once I have tested my notes on the second mitt, I'll post instructions (free gratis, of course) for adding the thumb gusset, thus turning them into 'Hand Springs' fingerless mitts.

Hand Springs Fingerless Mitts

Click on thumbnails to view larger photos.